Mutilated Cows and Hilarious Americans

[Guest]

LOL I really shouldn't find this funny but it is just because of American reactions. You guys have a serious 'alien/conspiracy/cult' problem haha.

I just read this article. Instead of ''well it's a bunch of nutters'', there is talk of aliens and cults, I can't stop laughing ... I will leave my thoughts in red text ...

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/cows-death-alien-abduction-cult-theories-oregon-us-a9129431.html

''Cows found mutilated with sex organs removed and blood drained prompt alien and cult theories.''

No natural explanation for horrifying killings, police say ...

 

Bulls have been found mutilated, killed and left with their blood drained and their sex organs removed, police in the US have said. People living near the scene of the animal deaths in Oregon have speculated they could be part of an occult ritual or an alien invasion.  OF COURSE THEY HAVE, THAT WOULD BE MY FIRST THOUGHT TOO. ALIENS.  And while such outlandish suggestions have been routinely dismissed after similar cases in the past, FUNNY THAT  experts say there is no obvious natural explanation and no indication the bulls were killed by either normal predators or poisonous plants.  WELL YEP, A PERSON WITH A SCALPEL ISN'T NORMAL NATURE I GUESS. OK.

The case has troubling connections to previous killings, which have remained unsolved for decades TRANSLATION: WE DIDN'T CATCH WHO DID IT  during which they have become a source of speculation about everything from the occult to extraterrestrials. YEP ... IF I WAS AN ALIEN POPPING TO EARTH I THINK I'D FIND A COW, CUT IT UP A BIT, THEN SHOOT ON AGAIN  The first of the dead bulls was found – with no sex organs, tongue or blood – in a ravine in the Oregon countryside. In the few days that followed, four more of the animals were discovered nearby. There were no tracks around the bodies, or other clues as to how the killing happened, but police and ranch management believe that they were executed by someone rather than something.  WELL DONE, YOU DEDUCED HUMAN OVER ALIEN.

Ever since the bulls were found over several days in July, Harney County Sheriff's Deputy Dan Jenkins said he had received many calls and emails from people speculating as to what, or who, might be responsible. OH I BET HE DID. OH TO BE ON A FLY ON THE WALL FOR THOSE GOLDEN CHATS ... The theories range from scavengers such as carrion bugs eating the carcasses to people attacking the animals to cause financial harm to ranchers.

One person suggested that Mr Jenkins look for craters underneath the carcasses, OH THIS WILL BE GOOD ...  saying this would be evidence the bulls had been levitated into a spaceship, mutilated, and then dropped back to the ground. I'M JUST WONDERING IF THE GUY THAT SUGGESTED THIS SAID IT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE. ALSO I WANT TO KNOW WHAT MR JENKINS' FACE DID WHEN THIS WAS SUGGESTED TO HIM. ''JUST LIFT IT UP, CHECK IT OUT, IT MAY HAVE BEEN LEVITATED INTO A SPACESHIP, DUH''    Mr Jenkins, who is leading an investigation that also involves state police, has run into only dead ends, with no witnesses. WELL THERE'S A SURPRISE LOL, YOU GO DOWN THE SPACESHIP ROUTE AND IT'S JUST DEAD ENDS.   "If anyone has concrete information or knows of any cases that have been solved in the past, that would definitely be helpful," he said from his office in Burns. Colby Marshall, vice president of the Silvies Valley Ranch that owned the bulls, had another theory.  OH I BET HE DOES, LET'S HEAR IT BUDDY ... 

"We think that this crime is being perpetuated by some sort of a cult," he said. CULT AS IN PEOPLE? HMM, GO ON ...  The case recalls mutilations of livestock across the West and Midwest in the 1970s that prompted widespread fear in rural areas. Thousands of cattle and other livestock were found dead with the reproductive organs, and sometimes part of their faces, removed, in territory ranging from Minnesota to New Mexico. Ranchers began carrying guns and nearby residents said helicopters had been heard around the kill sites. LOL OF COURSE THEY DID, NOW THE AUTHORITIES ARE IN ON IT TOO   A federal agency cancelled an inventory by helicopter of its lands in Colorado, worried that it would get shot down. HAHAHAHAH BY WHAT? THE CULT? A DEAD COW? ALIENS?  ''WELL IF I SEND ONE UP IT WILL CLEARLY GET SHOT DOWN. FORGET IT''

Two US senators urged the FBI to investigate, according to FBI documents. After saying it lacked jurisdiction, the FBI agreed to investigate cases on tribal lands. But the mutilations stopped. WELL THERE'S A SHOCKER, THE FBI GET INVOLVED AND THE NUTTERS STOP FOR A FEW WEEKS  Former FBI agent Kenneth Rommel, who headed the investigation, said there was no indication that anything other than common predators were responsible. TRANSLATION : THIS IS HILARIOUS AND A WASTE OF TIME   Cases have emerged sporadically since then. In the 1980s, a few cows were found dead and mutilated in eastern Oregon. More recently, there have been cases on a ranch near Flagstaff, Arizona. 

Some of the mutilations can be attributed to natural causes. FANTASTIC JOURNALISM, ORIGINALLY ALL OF THIS HAD NO NATURAL EXPLANATION, BUT GO ON ...  An animal drops dead, the blood pools at the bottom of the carcass, the carcass bloats and the skin dries out and splits. The tears often appear surgical. Carrion bugs, birds and other scavengers go for soft tissues like rectum, genitals, udders and eyes. Dave Bohnert, director of Oregon State University's Eastern Oregon Agricultural Research Center in Burns, said he believed people killed the Silvies bulls because there was no indication they were felled by predators or had eaten poisonous plants.  ''WAIT, WHAT? PEOPLE?? NO NO NO. THIS IS CLEARLY ALIENS. LOOK!! THE TONGUE HAS GONE!!!''   IT NEEDS SOMEONE FROM AN AGRICULTURAL RESEARCH CENTRE TO SUGGEST  'ER,PEOPLE..?'    INCREDIBLE STUFF

However, the state of the carcasses could be attributable to nature, OH IT CAN BE NATURE AGAIN   said Mr Bohnert, who is not officially investigating the case. OF COURSE HE ISN'T, HE HAS HIS LIFE TO BE GETTING ON WITH     If people killed the bulls, a motive could be to financially harm the ranch, he said, noting that breeding bulls cost thousands of dollars each, and the 100-plus calves each of them sire are collectively worth much more. Mr Marshall doubts it was a malicious attack on the ranch, which employs 75 people, many from local communities. Silvies Valley Ranch covers 140,000 acres (57,000 hectares) of deeded and leased National Forest lands around a mile above sea level.

There's no sign that scavengers removed the organs of the bulls, and instead someone using a knife or scalpel probably did, WOOHOO!!! RATIONAL THINKING PREVAILS!!  WELL DONE!!  Mr Marshall said. "To lose a completely healthy animal would be an oddity," Mr Marshall said. "To lose five young, very healthy, in great shape, perfect bulls that are all basically the same age ... that is so outside the bounds of normal activity."  HAHAHAHA THIS GUY IS LIKE A MODERN DAY NEWTON

Mr Marshall speculates the bulls were darted with a tranquiliser that knocked them out. While some people acted as lookouts, others bled the animals out by inserting a large-gauge needle into the tongue and into an artery, then removed the organs after the heart stopped beating, he surmised. Mr Jenkins, the deputy, has a similar theory.  SOUNDS LIKE TOTAL CONJECTURE, BUT LET'S GO WITH IT ...

"Personally, I would lean more toward the occult, OF COURSE YOU WOULD  where people for whatever reason - whether it's a phase of the moon HAHAHAH TOO GOOD   or whatever rituals they're going to do with their beliefs - are coming to different areas and doing that," he said. The Oregon Cattlemen's Association is offering a $1,000 reward for information leading to the conviction of those responsible. The ranch is offering $25,000.

I AM CRYING FROM LAUGHING. THANKYOU OREGON. 

Edited October 10, 2019 by Guest

[Douglas Buckland + 6,308]

Yeah DT, laugh all you want. It’s all funny until it happens at a ranch near you!😂

Wait....they don’t have ranches there, do they? You’re probably safe.

[Guest]

Nah just logic and CCTV haha

[Guest]

''Lift it up, see if it's spaceship''

[PE Scott + 563]

7 minutes ago, DayTrader said:

Nah just logic and CCTV haha

Smh, you guys would have CCTV for your cows. 

Don't be jealous the aliens only want to visit america cows. We just produce exceptional beef.

Also, clearly this has happened before as locals knew to look for "craters" as evidence of alien teleportation.

Edited October 10, 2019 by PE Scott

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, PE Scott said:

you guys would have CCTV for your cows.

surely for the aliens and their subsequent capture

[PE Scott + 563]

What the article doesn't mention is that there are several locals trying to breed similar cows in an effort to distract the aliens from the inevitable rectal probes on human subjects.

Scarier yet, the aliens seem to have moved from meer rectal observation to genital mutilation. It's a frightening world. Best the local farmers continue to offer bovine sacrifice.

[Guest]

Honestly, I couldn't believe what I was reading.

''We got the sheriff down ... he had some theories''

Popcorn time. 

[Douglas Buckland + 6,308]

Dammit DT! It is logical to look under cattle to see if they were air dropped after alien mutilation at altitude!

Of course, I would imagine that something like this happening would have been evident WITHOUT having to actually lifting the cow - dependent on the altitude of the alien spacecraft at the time of launch. A pancake like carcass burst along the ‘seams’ would be a dead giveaway (pun intended).

If I was the Sheriff or the FBI, I’d be having some fun with this!

[Guest]

No, they didn't take it up, they just came down, did some tests, shot off again.

They got what they came for, clearly. 

[Douglas Buckland + 6,308]

This needs further study and ski season is rapidly approaching. Can you work up the paperwork to see if you can get yourself, PE and I a grant to pursue an investigation? Probably need to investigate any remotely similar incidents near ski areas...

[PE Scott + 563]

2 hours ago, Douglas Buckland said:

This needs further study and ski season is rapidly approaching. Can you work up the paperwork to see if you can get yourself, PE and I a grant to pursue an investigation? Probably need to investigate any remotely similar incidents near ski areas...

I endorse this request. For science and justice. These aliens must be held accountable. Honestly, I don't care how many ski resorts I have to visit in the pursuit of justice.

[Guest]

OK well I'm inviting the sheriff for his valuable scientific insights

 

[Douglas Buckland + 6,308]

12 minutes ago, PE Scott said:

I endorse this request. For science and justice. These aliens must be held accountable. Honestly, I don't care how many ski resorts I have to visit in the pursuit of justice.

Way to ‘take one for the team’ PE!

[Douglas Buckland + 6,308]

11 minutes ago, DayTrader said:

OK well I'm inviting the sheriff for his valuable scientific insights

 

Does the Sheriff ski?

[Guest]

Yeah, as long as no helicopters he'll be fine 

[Douglas Buckland + 6,308]

If we had his helicopter we could avoid lift ticket fees....just saying.

[PE Scott + 563]

The restless locals, in fear of rectal intrusion, will shoot at any unknown lights in the sky. So, night skiing, errr I mean investigation, will be strictly off limits.

[Douglas Buckland + 6,308]

Okay, guess we’ll just have to ‘go over our notes’ in the local watering at night...

[James Regan + 1,776]

[James Regan + 1,776]

Have you been to Oregon, if I was an Alien looking for some hot chick drive by action, port in a storm and all that you would definitely hit the local ranch, not for the hot farm cow girl, just head for the cow....

Give aliens some credit, they find bulls and cows sexier than humans from Oregon, in Brasil I think it would be different, I dare any alien to fly over Copa Cabana and then head for the countryside.

This smells of Bull Shit to me

[James Regan + 1,776]

14 hours ago, Douglas Buckland said:

Dammit DT! It is logical to look under cattle to see if they were air dropped after alien mutilation at altitude!

Of course, I would imagine that something like this happening would have been evident WITHOUT having to actually lifting the cow - dependent on the altitude of the alien spacecraft at the time of launch. A pancake like carcass burst along the ‘seams’ would be a dead giveaway (pun intended).

If I was the Sheriff or the FBI, I’d be having some fun with this!

Could POTUS be involved possible impeachment?

[Guest]

Yep that'll be next 

[Ward Smith + 6,615]

22 hours ago, DayTrader said:

No, they didn't take it up, they just came down, did some tests, shot off again.

They got what they came for, clearly. 

Aliens hankering for Rocky Mountain oysters, certainly. Fairly addictive once you get past the texture…

[Douglas Buckland + 6,308]

Ward, the vast majority of the planet will have no idea what a Rocky Mountain oyster is!😄

Must have horseradish sauce!